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Galloping Along

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By Dick Frank

The Kentucky Derby takes place tomorrow. Known as “The Fastest Two Minutes in Sports” for its approximate duration, and also called “The Run for the Roses” for the blanket of roses draped over the winner, it is the most famous horserace in the United States.

Pun Alley does a little bit of horsing around and goes to the track for some racy stories.

Give me your answer

The husband and wife were having breakfast with the husband reading the morning newspaper. “You had a very restless night, dear,” said the wife, “and what’s more you kept murmuring a woman’s name in your sleep. Now, tell me, who is Daisy?”

“Oh-er,” he stammered, “the fact is Daisy is the name of a filly I backed yesterday. It won, 10-to-1.”

In the evening, at the dinner table, his wife once again returned to the attack. “By the way,” she said, “you know that horse you backed yesterday? Well, she telephoned this afternoon.”

Fast owner

A racehorse owner took his best horse to the vet and waited anxiously while the vet examined him. Once the vet has finished, the owner asked him, “Will I be able to race him again?”

The vet replied, “Of course! And you’ll probably beat him too.”

None better

An anonymous donor left a modest estate to a small convent. Each nun was given $50 to give away as she saw fit. Sister Catherine decided to give her share to the first poor person she saw. This happened to be a man leaning against the telephone pole across the street, and he obviously had known better days.

She went out to the man and pressed the $50 into the his hands and said, “Godspeed, my good man.”

As she left, the man called out to her, “What is your name?”

Shyly, she replied, “Sister Catherine.”

The following evening, the man returned to the convent and rang the bell. “I’d like to see Sister Catherine,” he said.

The nun at the door answered, “I’m sorry, but I cannot disturb her right now. May I give her a message?”

“Yes,” said the man gleefully. “Give her this $100 and tell her Godspeed came in second at Belmont.”

Some racy stories

He finally figured out a way to leave the track with money. He gave up picking horses and started picking pockets.

The horse named “Fleabag” was scratched.

I bet on a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

There’s a new drink, popular in Boston, called the “Paul Revere cocktail.” Two drinks and you wake the neighbors and start horsing around.

A gambler was hiding in the shrubbery next to the racetrack. He was hedging his bets.

Jockeys take gallop polls to see which horse is most popular.

Anyone should know how to put a saddle on a horse so it won’t slip and cause an injury. It’s a cinch.

A horse named storm could ride like lightning with the rein.

A hospitalized man was x-rayed and found to have six plastic horses inside him. The doctor described his condition as stable.

Listen!

A guy was driving past a farm one day when he noticed a beautiful horse stood in one of the fields. Hoping to buy the horse, the guy stopped and offered the farmer $500 for it.

The farmer said, “Sorry, he’s not for sale. He doesn’t look too good.”

The guy said, “He looks just fine. Tell you what, I’ll give you $1,000 for him.”

The farmer again said, “Sorry, he’s not for sale. He doesn’t look too good.”

The guy now really wanted the horse and so increased his offer to $1,500.

The farmer said, “Well, he doesn’t look so good but if you want him that much he’s yours.”

So the guy bought the horse and took him home. The next day he returned to the farm, hopping mad. He shouted at the farmer, “Hey, you cheated me! You sold me a blind horse!”

The farmer calmly said, “I told you he didn’t look too good, didn’t I?”

No saddle – no nuttin’

One of the world’s most famous horse riders was Lady Godiva. In her most celebrated ride, Lady Godiva didn’t win, nor even place, but she sure did show.

They say that when Lady Godiva’s horse saw she had no clothes on, it made him shy.