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School’s out for the summer!

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Dick Frank

Today is the last day of school. Teachers breathe a sigh of relief while parents foresee more work taking care of their children while waiting for the reopening of school. Tales being told out of school have already found their way to Pun Alley.

Teacher frustrations

Teacher: The story you handed in called “Our Dog,” is exactly like your brother’s. Pupil: Of course, it’s the same dog.

Teacher: What does “coincidence” mean? Pupil: Funny, I was just going to ask you that.

Teacher: Define “procrastination.” Pupil: May I answer that question tomorrow?

Teacher: How nice that you have your new glasses. Now you’ll be able to read everything. Pupil: You mean I don’t have to come to school anymore?

Teacher: Your spelling is much better. Only five mistakes this time. Pupil: Thank you. Teacher: Now let’s go on to the next word.

Teacher: How many i’s do you use to spell Mississippi? Pupil: None. I can do it blindfolded.

Teacher: Describe a synonym. Pupil: A word you use when you can’t spell the other word.

Teacher: Name two pronouns. Pupil: Who, me? Teacher: Correct!

Teacher: Give me an example of a double negative. Pupil: I don’t know none. Teacher: Excellent!

Teacher: “Have you ever seen the Catskill Mountains?” Student: “No, but I’ve seen what they do to mice.

Teacher: What is the chemical formula for water? Pupil: H I J K L M N O. Teacher: What are you talking about? Pupil: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.

Teacher: Give me a sentence starting with “I.” Pupil: I is… Teacher: No, always say, “I am.” Pupil: All right. “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

Teacher: Can you tell me one word that contains all six vowels? Pupil: Unquestionably.

Teacher: What are you doing under your desk? Pupil: Didn’t you tell us to read Dr. Jekyll and Hyde?

Teacher: Why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? Pupil: You told me to do it without using tables.

Before what?

During some spelling drills. The teacher asked Tommy if he could spell “before”.

He stood up and said, “Before, B-E-P-H-O-R.”

The teacher said, “No, that’s wrong. Can anyone else spell before?”

A little girl stood up and said, “Before, B-E-F-O-O-R.”

Again the teacher said, “No, that’s wrong.” The teacher asked, “Johnny, can you spell ‘before’?”

Johnny stood up and said, “Before, B-E-F-O-R-E.”

“Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?”

Little Johnny said, “That’s easy. Two plus two be fore.”

Long sentence

A young boy ran up to his teacher with tears in his eyes. The teacher asked, “What’s wrong, dear?”

The boy said, “I just found out I’ll be in school until I’m eighteen.”

The teacher replied, “That’s not a problem. I have to stay here until I’m sixty-five.”

Random comments

“I’m going to spend my vacation reviewing everything I learned at school.”

“Really? What are you going to do the second day?”

Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted.

It wasn’t school John disliked; it was just the principal of it.

When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for four years.

Schoolteachers are not fully appreciated by parents until it rains all day Saturday.

She used to be a schoolteacher but she has no class now.

I will never forget my first day of school. My mom woke me up, got me dressed, made my bed, and fed me. Man, did the guys in the dorm tease me.

A teacher, asked why she preferred working in an elementary school, explained, “Well, I love children of all ages, but at the grade school I’m always sure of finding a parking space.”

Rolling

Michele, a former competitive gymnast, was teaching a class of three and four year olds. She demonstrated a forward roll, explaining every move until the roll was fully executed. “Now,” She said, “I want you to do exactly what I just did. Do you have any questions?”

A wide-eyed youngster timidly raised her hand. “Miss Michele.” she asked, “How do we make our knees crack?”

Second to none

The teacher asked each member of her sixth-grade class to write the names of nine outstanding Americans. Ten minutes later, she saw that everyone but Carl had finished writing. “What’s the matter, Carl?” she said. “Can’t you think of nine great Americans?”

“I have eight,” Carl said. “But I still need a second baseman.”